I realized after re-reading yesterday's post that I should have mentioned that there were five or six sessions going on simultaneously during each time slot, plus "Birds of a Feather" Meet Ups, so each participant had to pick and choose what they attended. In other words, 6 people attending BlogHer could have gone to 6 entirely different sessions at the same time. Also, this year there was a designated mommy blogging session during each session block. (No, mommy bloggers were not required to go to any or all of those sessions, but several of them were of interest to me.) One theme that permeated several sessions, both mommy blogging and general, related to writing and boundaries.
In Liz Rizzo's Sex and Relationship session, she specifically asked us if there were topics about which we wouldn't blog. Since this was a sex and relationships session, I was expecting people to say that, well, they don't blog about hot steamy sex. It turns out that while their blogging may not steam up any monitors, many people do blog about sex. As much as those bloggers were all for sharing what happens between the sheets, several did have other boundary limits, like not talking about work or not discussing family situations. I actually impose several boundaries on my own blog. I previously identified them as "things I don't blog about," rather than boundaries, but it is essentially the same idea. Calling them boundaries made them seem more official.
I do not blog about my husband's work. Like any blogger, I'm not sure exactly who reads my blog, and my husband's work business is his own business to share if he wants. I don't think I've ever posted about it, and I don't foresee doing it in the future. That one seems pretty obvious.
However, the more I thought about some of my other boundaries, the less sure I became that they are really firm and solid boundaries, rather than something like inflatable bumpers in bowling alleys which allow you to hit the pins without gutter balls. (The bowling metaphor is my own spin on things; it did not come from BlogHer.) These are things that are rarely the central focus of a blog post, but they do sometimes get mentioned peripherally. My biggest inflatable gutters are my kids or, more specifically, photos of my kids. I have posted some in the past, but I don't tend to do it too often. I also don't use their names. Another gutter is my everyday social life. For example, I have had my ups and downs with my moms group since I've been part of it. I tend not to write about the group's meeting topics and activities, good or bad, but after reflecting on this for a few days, I think I might start to post more. I won't ever bash anyone or even post about a specific person though because that to me is a hard boundary, not an inflatable gutter.
Yeah, yeah so we all have boundaries. Big deal. Except it is a big deal as your kids get older. Several bloggers debated about whether your kids' stories ever become solely their own stories or always remain your stories too. After all yes, my older son was potty trained and being potty trained is his story. However potty training a child is my story too. I heard several different perspectives from bloggers who are parents of teenagers. Some felt that they shouldn't blog about their kids. Others' kids loved that they blogged about them. It seemed that many of the kids also blogged about their parents! I think that's one of those areas that is probably a very personal and individual decision depending on the family. I'm sure there's lots of ways to go about doing it too. I have no idea how I'll feel when my kids are teenagers much less how they'll feel.
In the meantime, a boundary I've always had is to not tell intentionally embarrassing stories about my kids. That's a hard one though because what is embarrassing to one person is not to another. So perhaps I didn't blog about one of my children taking off his diaper in the middle of a park and running around bare bottomed, but I did post about how one of my kids made a pet rock whale while his classmates made cats and dogs. To me the former story might be embarrassing, but the latter would not be. I guess I really set boundaries for my kids based on what I assume would embarrass me if I were them. We all know the saying about assumptions!
My big conclusion is that it is helpful to have some rules for what I will and will not post. I think it really does help me decide what to write about and how to make a conscious decision about whether or not I really want to share a particular story or divulge a particular piece of information. I am of the mindset that it's easier to be conservative in your posts than to try and take back what was written later on. Plus, as many speakers reiterated, once something is out there, it is out there even if you delete the post.
The nice thing about being a blogger and therefore being your own publisher and boss, is that you get to decide when the boundaries should change. As great as boundaries are, they will always mean that there are areas of your life that you can't ever talk about on your blog. It just depends on why you're blogging and who your audience is. Many speakers also reiterated something that the Big Giraffe tells me all the time...no matter how hard you try to be anonymous, you can never fully be anonymous. In other words, secret blogs aren't always so secretive after all unless they're password protected.
A. Elliot's Lesson Learned: We all have boundaries.
I love, love, love the bowling bumper metaphor!!! As for blogging about parents, some time ago, my mom admitted that she sometimes only reads my blog when she is the subject. She likes being a "blog star" of sorts. So maybe your kids will look at this and be proud to be the main players on your blog. Or maybe not. :)
I have boundaries also, but I think they are growing more relaxed as I know my regular readers more. That could definitely lead to problems if I'm not careful though. Lots of thought here.
Before BlogHer I thought I was an oversharer with few boundaries. Now, I feel like I've had significant boundaries mainly because I use my real name and I want to have real relationships with my family and friends. I don't want to cross their boundaries. Also, I don't want to cross my children's boundaries so I think I'm pretty careful and ask them if they care what I write about. I've had to delete a few blogs my husband found as crossing his boundaries though I didn't understand why he was offended. doesn't matter. He's uncomfortable so I've taken them down.
I missed this panel, so thanks for this perspective. I did want to attend.
I'm so not understanding the line (not yours, just the line in general) about our children, and that these are not our stories to tell. My kids are 3 and 8 months. If I don't tell the stories, they won't know 'em.
I had a fantastic time! There's so much to tell. I thought I would provide an overview and if anyone wants to hear anything specific, then I'll write more about that. I may also have a couple more specific posts over the next couple days as well. In case you're wondering, there were 1, 000 people there. Yes you read that right. It was sold out. I also heard that there was a waiting list.
I headed out on Thursday. Over the years, I've become less and less comfortable flying. Hence you can imagine my pleasure when I found out I was seated between two doctors one of whom was a former ER doctor. I felt reassured that should I have a massive panic attack, I was in good hands. Fortunately, I was fine, and the flight although long (seriously the longest one I've been on in 15 years)was uneventful.
After checking into our hotel room, Suzanne and I met up with Average Jane and had lunch. Later on I met up with Suzanne again to attend a BlogHer speakers and contributing editors reception. After meeting some great bloggers there, we went to the newbie party with some friends. That party was held in a gorgeous room on the top floor of the Westin. For reasons I don't understand, I got motion sickness while on the glass elevator and became convinced that the floor was moving for the entire time I was at the party. Sadly, I was not smashed either. In fact I hadn't drunk any alcohol. My theory that perhaps there were small tremors was fortunately unfounded. Hey, this was my first time in San Franciso. Suzanne's old co-worker Claudia stuck by my side and repeatedly offered to get me anything I needed. From there we went with Snigdaha to the People's party where they had awesome swag. After spending some time there and talking to more people, Suzanne and I headed out to a very late dinner at a diner. Honestly this whole weekend I felt like I was living with no sense of time. There's a three hour time difference between CA and MA.
Friday we had breakfast at the conference, and I was psyched to catch up with Plain Jane Mom. I attended a session entitled "MommyBlogging: Is Mommy Blogging Still a Radical Act?" It was a very interesting session and left me with a lot to think about. I even asked a question. I walked away thinking about whether or not I'm tailoring what I write to a specific audience. In other words, am I really being true to myself and my writing? I think this can be tricky for many bloggers. It certainly is for me. I have a tendency not to get very personal in my writings. Right now I have a couple of big things going on in my life that I've never posted about. I have a lot of admiration for bloggers who can say exactly what's going on with them, and I think that's one of the things that makes them very good writers. At the same time, bloggers risk alienating people and losing friends, for example if someone in real life isn't talking to you because you said you didn't like the preschool class gift. In fact, I asked about that during the panel at the session.
After that I attended a session called: "MommyBlogging: Public Parenting and Privacy." That one was also interesting, and I decided to share my thoughts on that one in a future, separate post. The moderator Digital Sista, was amazing, and I repeatedly told her throughout the rest of the conference that she was my favorite moderator.
I had lunch with a whole bunch of bloggers I hadn't met before which was a lot of fun and then darted out for Suzanne's book signing. This was followed by Liz Rizzo's session called "Sex and Relationships." It turned out to be my favorite BlogHer session. Liz did a wonderful job, and I found the questions and stories the bloggers told to be very eye opening. For example, as someone who's 32, I didn't realize how invisible older female bloggers are in the blogosphere and media both in general and specifically in discussions about sexuality.
During this time, I also enjoyed a very tasty Grover cupcake. More on the cupcake elsewhere in this post.
Later on I attended the community keynote where 20 bloggers had been selected to read their favorite posts. I think the majority of us alternated between laughing and crying. The posts were that moving. This was followed by a party at the Ruby Skye nightclub. A bunch of us hung out there for a while talking with other bloggers. There was amazing food. Then Suzanne and I walked from Union Square to Fisherman's Wharf to the Ghiradelli Chocolate Factory. After a lengthy investigation of their wares, we took the cable car back.
The next day started with breakfast followed by a session entitled "MommyBlogging: The Commercial Momosphere: Policies, Ethics and Outreach." Although it seemed to be going well, I had to leave early to finish with Grover. No, I don't mean I needed to finish the cupcake, but I did have to go back to the Sesame Street room. The actors who do the voices for Grover and Abby Cadabby were there, and I had one of the last DVD reservations. What? Let me explain. I got to be on a mock episode of Sesame Street where Abby Cadabby and I talked all about my boys. She talked to them and even sent me home with a hug to give to each of them. Getting to be on Sesame Street for a couple of minutes made me the coolest mom ever in my boys' eyes. It was an amazing experience.
Despite missing a lot of the her panel, I did meet "ebay mom" later. She was incredibly nice. Hey, she's from the Chicago area. What else can you expect?
Afterwards, the Red Stapler, Suzanne, and I met up with Count Mockula, her new baby, and her mom. The Count was one of my roommates last year, but understandably with a new baby could not make the conference this year, particularly since she had her appendix removed last week. She does live in CA, so she was able to meet up, and her mom treated us to lunch. Afterwards, I went to Suzanne's session on feminism and gender and then hung out in the BlogHer bookstore with the Count, her mom, Suzanne, Claudia and the Red Stapler.
If that all weren't enough fun, the day ended up with a reception at Macy's. You needed your BlogHer ID to get there, but once you were inside, you had access to seven floors of different activities. I'll admit to being skeptical about the logistics, but it turned out to be the perfect place to have a reception for 1,000+ people. The 7th floor was the best. It was the furniture floor and they had an area for music and dancing. They also had the book signing for Sleep is for the Weak. I found the editor of the book, Rita Arens, who blogs at Surrender, Dorothy to also be really nice. All the contributors who were there signed the books. There was plenty of food and drinks. It was so spread out that I managed to get a seat on a very comfortable couch with a bunch of bloggers. And hey it was the furniture department so there was plenty of seating and tables for all!
Afterwards, Suzanne and I hung out with the Red Stapler some more. The next day after breakfast, Suzanne and I walked around San Francisco for an hour and a half. Then it was time for me to board the BART and get to the airport. Even there, I saw more bloggers, and I had a nice chat with Velma.
I got home after 1 am this morning, exhausted but excited.
A. Elliot's Lesson Learned: At BlogHer, there are a lot of great bloggers to meet and many new ideas about improving blogs and writing.
Today was one of those days that started off where nothing seem to go quite right. You know those days when you're trying not to cry while driving because you know that you're overreacting and nothing bad happened, but you just can't help it? Some jerk sent a memo to my older son (OS) informing him that he's 14 not 4. When I find out who that is, I'm going to show up on their doorstep with OS and his funky new attitude and make them pay for years of therapy: for myself not OS!
Most of today was just the usual everything is off day. I had a series of power struggles with OS that would have put Machiavelli and Bismarck to shame. My younger son (YS) and the dog also had a series of power struggles. I wanted to move into one of the many houses in our town that are for sale...by myself. Even the cats were crabby. Alright they had a reason...their food dish was empty.
I took YS to a puppet show, but I had to circle the lot several times because I couldn't find a parking space. YS disliked the show, which turned out not to be a puppet show at all. I had flashbacks to hating interactive shows like that when I was 4 and felt an onset of diarrhea or at the very least bad gas. Since I was in public, there was nothing I could do about it. After getting squirted with water by one of the non-puppets, YS was done. My gassy self and YS packed up our things and left. Fortunately a friend happened to call and we arranged to meet at a park where I came to an important realization: I don't think any of the parks in MA have water fountains in them. How weird is that? In my hometown there are multiple water fountains in every park. Fortunately we found another source of sustenance. We took the kids out for lunch at the family-friendly chain Friendly's, where we had the honor of being those women with the super obnoxious kids. People had mixed reactions. They either empathized or in the case of one woman, asked to be reseated elsewhere. Yeah, Lady the screaming that ensued right after you walked by the table was a direct result of the dirty looks you gave the kids.
Fortunately the evening has gone better. Most importantly Sally HP helped me with my evening dilemma: what clothes to pack for BlogHer of course! Sally deserves a special thank you as I might have been somewhat worked up when I called her. I also discovered shortly after dinner and before I called Sally that our friend who was planning to visit sometime during the weekend is coming tonight and spending the night. I decided to immediately bump her up to best friend status and let her into our family's biggest secret...what the inside of our house really looks like.
I am really excited for tomorrow, although I will miss the giraffes. I know I'll even look forward to OS's outbursts. Alright that's pushing it, but I know I'll come back refreshed. Here's where I'll be tomorrow night.
A. Elliot's Lesson Learned: Figuring out how to dress makes other stresses far more manageable.
I was never great at relating to friends with bad boyfriends in high school and college. The friend would inevitably ask me what I thought of her boyfriend after he did something like, let's just say for a random example, forget to call her on her birthday because he was looking at porn on the internet all evening. Sure that type of thing happens all the time. Well at least for that friend it happened once. I would answer her honestly. I tended to be pretty blunt, but my insights suggested that "He's not a winner." When they inevitably got back together and the friend shared my actual words with the boyfriend, he would insist that she end her friendship with me.
After losing a couple friendships the same way (well almost the same way, since internet porn was only a factor once), I decided that neither honesty nor spending a lot of time with friends with creepy significant others is the best policy. Maybe it would just be better to not say anything at all or to say something like "What I think doesn't matter. It's what you think." Then I would silently mutter "I can't believe you are still considering dating him." Fortunately I haven't been in this situation since college.
A couple of years ago I went out to the Cheesecake Factory with my moms group. I was a fairly new member. While we were there, several members recognized another member's husband who was there with another woman. Her husband was supposed to be living in another state. He had just been transferred there, and his wife was getting the house together to put it on the market. People were debating whether or not they should say something to this member. No one believed it was innocent, but accusations of infidelity aren't something to just throw around. Fortunately, I didn't know any of the people involved, which was quite a relief.
On Thursday I will be attending BlogHer in San Francisco. (I pause to let that sink in...I can't wait.) I've been talking about it for a while, so all of my local friends know that I'll be across the country. Coincidentally, a female friend of my husband's from high school will be in MA for the weekend and will pay a visit. I consider her a friend as well, and I am certainly OK with the visit, but I haven't mentioned it to anyone else (except those of you who read this blog.) because I just keep forgetting. I'm curious as to whether any of my friends will run into them. If they do, I wonder what they will think and whether they will tell me about it.
If you saw your friend's husband out with another woman, would you say anything?
A. Elliot's Lesson Learned: It can be hard to reconcile honesty, discretion, and doing the right thing.
Unrelated, we received a complimentary 75 cent "Pay As You Throw" garbage bag from our town today. In a time where there are annual reductions in the number of teachers and classes in our town, and our town is about to start charging us to pickup garbage, it is somewhat surprising that our town spent 75 cents per household on this gift.
That's a tough one. It's going to sound like a cop-out, but it would totally depend on the couple (triangle?) involved and the circumstances of the sighting.
That's a tough one. But oddly, I have alot of male friends and occasionally I'll run into one at the park or such. Hugs are usually given and we usually talk for a bit. I'm sure my friends wonder who the hell they are, but no one's ever mentioned anything to Husband. And usually it's me or one of the girls who tells Husband we ran into xxx today.
I guess it depends on the situation. I'm sure it would be different if there were more contact, it the setting were different or one of us was "supposed" to be in another state.
I guess it really depends on the situation though.
I would tell you. I wouldn't say it in a way that implied anything, but I'd be like "Oh, I saw the Big Giraffe the other day." and let you take it as you would.
I would want to be told. If my husband had lied to me about it, then I would definitely want to know. If he told me, then no big deal.
I would want to be told, and I would probably mention it casually. In most cases, I think, it's more something that the spouse already knows and is an innocent situation.
Other people might see a marriage counseling session to discuss finances or the division of household chores. My husband and I had one on garbage. In our town, you can put out eight units of garbage meaning that you could put out 8 garbage cans each filled with 4 bags if you wanted. Or you could you put out 7 garbage cans and for example a love seat. I use the love seat example specifically because we had to get rid of ours and yes the sanitation men took it without having to make a special call or anything. The rules also require you to put out any trash to be picked up by 7am. They aren't kidding about that one.
A few years ago the Big Giraffe ran out as the garbage truck was approaching to add more trash to the pile. He got a written warning to not do that again. Ever since that day, mentioning the garbage men seems to conjure up images of people with really big muscles and attack dogs that are ready to chase the Big Giraffe down the street. Hence the marriage counseling session. The really great part is if we had actually gotten a fine, I believe it would have only been ten dollars. For the record, we get written warnings every winter from the post office when the snow plows knock our mailbox down and this has not stopped the Big Giraffe from putting mail in our mailbox or interacting with our mailman.
Our town is switching over to having residents pay for each individual bag of garbage in a couple weeks. Now we will have to buy special garbage bags and if we have a larger item like a love seat, we will have to make special arrangements to have it removed and we have to pay for it. Needless to say I, like many other residents, am taking advantage of these last few weeks to get rid of excess garbage. Unfortunately this seems to terrify the Big Giraffe. I thought it was because our garbage smelled like a dead body due to some chicken that went bad three days after I bought it. I had to put it outside. On the news they said that some neighbors in a MA town had turned someone in because their house reeked of cat urine. Well, our garbage reeked of decay and could be smelled from our driveway. No, the Big Giraffe did not want to exceed our usual one unit of garbage.
After a little bit of coaxing, my statement that I was going to do it without or without his help, we worked together to unearth some woolly mammoths from our freezer that had been there since the beginning of time. Alright since 2005. I swear I could see the Big Giraffe contemplating whether or not it was worse to have possible diarrhea from eating old frozen meat or to get a written warning from the garbage men.
In the end harmony was achieved. Isn't that what marriage is all about? Fortunately we didn't have too many scary items in our freezer, so we ended up with a grand total of two units of garbage.
A. Elliot's Lesson Learned: Some fear the reaper and others fear the garbage men.
Wow, I would LOVE eight units of garbage! Does that include recycling? We have to use our own garbage company and are limited to 2 barrels (about 3 bags) and a box of recyclables. Oddly, we always excited by one and had super cranky garbage men who wouldn't take the extra bag.
We've since switched and have a great company. One week, we didn't ge tit out in ti,e (they switched us from the afternoon to the morning and it was the ONE week we didn't put it out the night before) and they even went to llok around the back of the house for our cans. They emailed me that night and said they'd swing by the next day to pick it up. Since switching (and it costs less too for the same amount) we've oddly, used less garbage. We went from two full barrels (plus the extra bag) to sometimes just one barrel.
Our town does pay per bag if you use the town dump, but it costs like $2 a bag! And the yearly dump pass. No thanks!
Wow, that sounds like a lot of garbage. We have one bin. It's probably the medium-sized bin that they offer. We pay by the size of the bin. (Seperate bin for recycling.)
I'm with BG on this one - you do not want to start shit with the garbage men. They have better ways of achieving vengeance than the mailman, although I'm sure he can make life hellish, too.
Yesterday a bunch of us from my moms group got pedicures. I was particularly excited because ever since I started running I particularly love having my feet massaged. I think the Big Giraffe may have been excited that he didn't have to do it! Plus I got rid of the scary animals over my eyes so I no longer look like Michael Dukakis and thus will not scare people at BlogHer. I figured it was time to clean my eyebrows up when I spent a good chunk of time during a free showing of The Bee movie last week comparing the bees' eyebrows to my own.
After having my toenails transformed and my feet exfoliated and massaged, I headed over to a private room with sounds of waterfalls and birds chirping playing. I lay down on the padded table and closed my eyes in relaxation. As my mind began to wonder, I thought about something that I often think about when I manage to go in and get my eyebrows cleaned up: how weird is it that my relaxation time involves someone pouring hot wax on my face and then tweezing my face while tears squeeze out of my eyes. Yet, this is relaxation.
A. Elliot's Lesson Learned: It's amazing how much kids change your life!
The summer before I was supposed to start vet school, I relished in being able to take my older son (OS) to places like the park and the beach. During subsequent summers, I continued to truly love doing it. When I had my younger son (YS) I assumed that I would continue doing the same things. I placed YS in his infant carrier, and OS and I were able to do enjoy the same activities we had enjoyed when he was an only child. Even last summer I was able to take both boys on a week-long vacation without the Big Giraffe with friends at the beach. Sure I was exhausted at the end, but going to the beach and the park wasn't a problem. Of course, I also had friends to help me.
I've realized recently that things have really changed. Some are for the better and some are not. The fact the my two kids can now play board games together is definitely for the better. Hey I'm all for parental involvement, but I can only take playing High Ho Cherry-O so many times before wanting to stick my head down a toilet. So what if they don't always follow the directions, or if they sometimes take to pelting each other with the cherries or the gingerbread men from Candyland. Their behavior in the car is an absolute negative now that they are both old enough to fight with each other. That's a post in and of itself. Let's just say if you see a crazy person driving around my home town and pulling over to the side of the road every 30 feet it's probably me driving while simultaneously trying to intercept a water bottle that is being used as a weapon by both of them. If you read my post yesterday on park safety...well you already know how well that one is going.
I was still stumped today though by OS. I asked the boys what they would like to do today. OS announced he would like to go to the beach. I was thrown. Sure we've gone to the beach in summers past, but we have yet to go this summer. I started to say "yes" but fortunately immediately realized that I can no longer take my kids to the beach by myself. Why is that? Last year YS wasn't mobile. Last year he let me hold him in my arms. Most importantly, last year OS really didn't like getting wet, so most of his time at the beach was spent either digging in the sand or with no more than his ankles in the water making it really easy for me to be with OS while YS was snuggled in my arms. No one was asking me to swim with them in the water, and I wasn't chasing two kids taking off in two different directions. I definitely want the Big Giraffe with me when we next hit the beach.
We'll see how next summer goes. In the meantime, we settled on one of the splash pads around here. It's zero depth and fenced in so both kids were contained, and they had a great time anyway.
A. Elliot's Lesson Learned: Two children are more challenging than one.
Someone told me, when I was pregnant with #2 baby and #1 baby was only 14 months old, that two babies were more than twice the work of one. THAT was the understatement of the century! Then I went and had ANOTHER one when baby #2 was just 15 months old. Trips to the grocery store with three kids under the age of 4...I honestly can't remember those days! They are a blur!
I enjoy your blog...I miss having little ones. Mine are teeangers now but I'm still at home with them and loving how their lives are changing and so interesting.
I found that for the first few years after Kamden was mobile but now that they are 4 and 7 it's no problem at all. Hang in there, it will pass quickly and you be free to beach it again without hubby :-)
You're at a challenging point now, but it will get much, much easier in a couple of years, and then, again, having the playmate/buddy thing will be wonderful at the beach.
It DOES get easier... in ways. In other ways, it gets harder as fighting school age kids is an embarrassment. Anyway. I totally understand not taking them to the beach. I would want a second set of eyes as well.
Professional Mom of two cats, a dog, an ant farm, and oh yeah...two boys: a 4 year old and a 1 year old. Also found in my house is my husband who is known on this blog as The Big Giraffe.
I love, love, love the bowling bumper metaphor!!! As for blogging about parents, some time ago, my mom admitted that she sometimes only reads my blog when she is the subject. She likes being a "blog star" of sorts. So maybe your kids will look at this and be proud to be the main players on your blog. Or maybe not. :)